So we just completed our invited dress rehearsal that all of like 3 people came to. Okay well not really 3...but it felt like that. (Not to say that the Provost of our school and his family weren't sitting in the front row!) Anyway, I have this sour taste in my mouth.
And it's not my love for Sour Patch Kids or pickles. It's weird. Unexplainable. We haven't even opened and I'm dreading tomorrow for some reason. I've been looking forward to opening night "places" for over 3 months and here it is...and I'm frowning? Some may say You're just nervous! or You're burnt out! But the latter will never ever be true and I hope I am nervous otherwise....
Am I just exhausted? Am I blind? Or did I just suck tonight? I don't need answers y'all. Those were rhetorical. Mainly because I don't want my mother calling saying, "I'm sure you didn't suck. You did fine, as did everyone else." You know, the very motherly thing to say when their son or daughter aren't that good at something. Okay, I'm digressing.
Everyone in the cast DID do great. Lines were picked up. Songs were fun. BUT people left at intermission. PEOPLE LEFT AT INTERMISSION. Apparently because Godspell is "hard to follow." And "confusing." Others were saying their are reets or not smart enough to get it. But I take it more personal. I see it as I didn't do my job. Not that our contracts come with any per diem (!) but that is sticking with me. Did the other people stay for Act 2 because they genuinely got the message...or just to be polite?
I felt disconnected. Period. And that scares the hell out of me. I want this to be good. I want people to not just enjoy the show but learn from it. Get something from it. Grow something from it. When I see that in someone else's eyes, someone other than an 8 year-old in the front row, I will know what is truly going on. Until then...I'm going to reconnect starting -- now!
peace. love. and kobe.